Guardians of the Garbage (“Guardians of the Galaxy” review)

Alright guys, this is my first review for a movie so I hope that this will turn out well to your eyes. My name is Captain Critic, but you can call me Captain, CC, or whatever. I am going to call my followers or people who read my blogs the “Academy” just a little nickname. Thank you and here’s my first review.

Hello, Academy, it’s Captain Critic here and I’m bringing you a movie review! I will choose any movies you guys suggest in the comments and will have a review hopefully every 1-two weeks on Mondays. Let’s get right to it!

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS

I now bring you “Guardians of the Garbage” or what the people who made it call, “Guardians of the Galaxy”, the action-adventure movie that won’t let you take a break from the non-stop fighting and violence. I can’t believe I chose this movie out of every one in existence. But hey, I’m going to review it for you, Academy.

 

Let me give you a brief summary of the film. A team of superheroes who try to retrieve a powerful stone to save the universe from an evil space dude? Whoa. Deja vu. Is anyone thinking “The Avengers”? No? Okay, just me then.

The cast of this film is:

Chris Pratt

Bradley Cooper

Lee Pace

Michael Rooker

Karen Gillan

Djimon Hounsou

John C. Reilly

Glenn Close

Benicio del Toro

 

I just put links to their names so you can see their faces. I mean every single one of them was either wearing a mask, makeup, or animated as a raccoon or tree-man-thing. * face palm *

The people who made the film possible was: Director, James Gunn. Producer, Kevin Feige. Screenplay, James Gunn and Nicole Perlman. That’s all you really need to know, because honestly, who cares about the people who made a film like this come to a movie theater? WORLD WIDE. Buy hey, opinions are opinions.

 

Now let me begin my reign or criticism. No I did not just criticize, I just gave you info about the movie. Yeah, I’m talking about the REAL DEAL now.

 

This film so far has made over 600 million dollars in the box office over the past summer. I can’t believe that someone would actually recommend the movie to his/her friend and be like “This movie rocked! I totally would spend my money to watch this AGAIN because of the non-stop action and violence and the unnecessary Stan Lee cameo because he didn’t actually make the Guardians of the Galaxy comic book!” Yes, I’m serious. Stan Lee did not make GOTG comic book. People do that because fans love it when they see his face or something. But here’s the point. This movie was kind of a… well… duplicate of “The Avengers”. I mean, Marvel was thinking that they should make an EXACT SAME PLOT OF ANOTHER MOVIE THEY ALREADY MADE!! People just love money, don’t they? That’s really what happened here with this film. It’s what happens when someone makes a film that is really successful and they make a sequel so they can be more famous. This has happened with alot of movies, like when they made a sequel to “Spider-Man”: “Spider-Man 2” or “Spider-Man 3”, or a whole new franchise “The Amazing Spider-Man” and make a sequel to THAT, “The Amazing Spider-Man 2”. I’m not thinking of seeing “The Amazing Spider-Man 3”. It will be just like “Spider-Man 3” which similarly happened in “The Amazing Spider-Man 2”.

* pant pant * Let me take a breather from that!

 

Okay, what I’m going to say here is that it’s not a good movie when you copy it from a movie made in the past. It makes it dull and predictable. I was sitting in the theater thinking “I wonder if the people who made this were running out of ideas, because I can tell. I’m seeing it right in front of me with all 200 of these bored human beings watching this garbage with better things to do.” As I said, the plot is something that will make you think you already saw this sometime before and you think this is a reboot or something, so you think you’re in the wrong theater and go out the exit. Yes. Marvel has ran out of ideas. Let’s pray everyone.

 

My next BIG CRITICISM is the fact that there is, like I said many times before, too much action and violence. We have: a raccoon firing a lazer machine gun while riding on the back of a giant humanoid-tree man during a prison escape. And stuff like an entire ship crashing in a city. Oh my God… Deja vu again! Now they’re stealing ideas from Star Trek!!!! COME ON MARVEL! PUT SOME EFFORT INTO YOUR WORK!!

Yes, you can tell that the film was centered on the action rather than the plot. This is a target for kids and teenagers, and not really adult-viewers. Yes, the jokes in this movie are extremely funny, but there is always a scene where someone either dies, gets in a fight, causes a prison riot, gets in a star-ship battle, or crashes an entire space-ship into a city. At first I thought this was brought by Michael Bay, but no, a totally new director that will be the next Michael Bay. Or so I’m hoping.

 

Characters, my favorite. They kind of… well… sucked. – game show music, please – For the following feature, we have on our list: Big show-off (Star-Lord) Miss. Sexy-Lady (Gamora) An extremely hairy midget (Rocket) “I am GROOT!!” (Groot) aaaaaaaaaand the character no one really cares about with the super cool knives (Drax) Also starring: Alien Jay Leno (Thanos) A bald Amy Pond (Nebula) and the bad-guy whose name I can’t remember (The one with the hood and is blue and has body paint?). So the characters were okay. If I had to say who I liked the most, I would say Groot. He saved the Guardians from the plane crash and quoted “We are Groot.” I think that meant “We’re a team” or something. Unforgettable guy. – sheds a tear – The other characters were either a really annoying play-boy, a talking raccoon who needs a bath, a sexy space criminal with “hot guns” (18+ should know by now), and a guy with awesome tattoos and knives and probably takes steroids. Yeah. Watch the movie for yourself, I don’t want to talk about the characters all that much because they really sucked. Oh there! That’s the word. “Sucked”.

 

Now let’s talk about how popular this movie is. It’s half-half. Kids love it. Adults throwing up in trash cans after they run out of the theater because a prisoner got his head smashed by a 6-foot tall hammer. And that’s not the entire hammer. That’s just the mallet part of it. This movie has had LEGO® sets and action figures made from it. Of course it’s the Avengers all over again. I mean GOTG came out in late July and is still in theaters! It’s pretty popular to kids and that’s really it. Kids are not critics with movies because they are clueless and just love violence. It’s the way we raise our precious little children. We let them watch PG-13 movies.

 

In conclusion I give this film ⅖ stars. Sorry, scratch that, 4% out of a 100,000,000,000. The film will never be a “Dark Knight”. And by the way, Howard the Duck makes a cameo in the post-credit scene at the end. You ruined it forever, Marvel. You really did.

I would appreciate it if you could leave any suggestions to any movies I should review next Monday. Thank you, Academy, and I will see you all next week! Captain Critic is out!

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